• FAULT:
  • Glass being held at incorrect angle.
• ACTION:
  • Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

• FAULT:
  • Improper bladder control.
• ACTION:
  • Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

• FAULT:
  • Glass empty.
• ACTION:
  • Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

• FAULT:
  • You have fallen over backward.
• ACTION:
  • Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

• FAULT:
  • You have fallen forward.
• ACTION:
  • See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

• FAULT:
  • Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
• ACTION:
  • Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

• FAULT:
  • You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
• ACTION:
  • Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

• FAULT:
  • You are being carried out.
• ACTION:
  • Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

• FAULT:
  • Bar has closed.
• ACTION:
  • Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

• FAULT:
  • Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
• ACTION:
  • Cover mouth.